I've noticed that when big changes are about to occur, people tend to tell you what your life is going to be like. I'm not sure why that is, but for some reason it always makes me nervous.
FIRST:
I had so many people tell me about the roller coasters marriage would bring. There were the "Your first year is the hardest" and "Getting use to each other can be challenging" and "Marriage is Hard!" I remember calling my mom after each comment and saying, "Wait. Mom. Am I missing something? Is Marriage really hard?" I've come to find out that for ME, marriage isn't hard. In fact I think that marriage makes life easier.
I've come to learn that I have a little problem with the word 'hard'. I do think there are some hard things in life. Death, depression, constant pain, other serious health problems, infertility, etc, etc. But the word
hard and
marriage in the same sentence with no other explanation makes me cringe a little bit. Whenever I hear "marriage is hard" I think about the people who aren't married, who so desperately want to me married. Which one is harder? I guess it all depends on your situation of course. And I feel blessed that I have such a great husband and such a great marriage.
SECOND:
I remember when I first got pregnant and how many people told me how hard pregnancy was going to be. (
For the record, I do know that everyone is different and that there are some really terrible awful pregnancies. Don't hate me for this post :)!) But I remember talking to my cousin, Ashley who I believe had some form of cancer while she was pregnant and she said to me, "Isn't being pregnant wonderful?" I was not expecting that comment. I know she has really difficult pregnancies and to top it off she had cancer while she was pregnant. But maybe it was the cancer that gave her perspective on the pregnancy. From that point on, I vowed to enjoy all of pregnancies; pains, sickness, emotions, all of it. I wasn't perfect at it. But I sure tried to remember all the people that ached to be pregnant and weren't and all the people that frankly, were having worse pregnancies then me.
THIRD:
Oh the advice and the stories you hear about what life of a mother looks like. My mom and my mother in law both have really positive outlooks on life and on motherhood. I was so grateful for that when I would hear how hard it was going to have a new born. How I would be so tired, and how the adjustment would be so hard, and how there would be moments where I would think to myself, "What have I just done??" I honestly made a list of 150 pick me ups in fear that I was just going to be a wreck. And I'm not talking about postpartum at all, that is very real and I hope I never have to go through with that.
All and all I was very blessed with my transition into motherhood. Its not to say there weren't moments that I wasn't exhausted. I was exhausted. I still get exhausted and I only have one. I get flustered, and tired, and claustrophobic sometimes. I get frustrated and agitated and annoyed. I get behind, and down, and complaisant. I often think oh how I would love to sleep in til 8:30! Only 8:30! I am so far from a perfect mother and I don't think motherhood is easy or a peace of cake. I think motherhood is a miracle. And even in my tired moments I think of my friends who can't conceive and haven't been able to adopt and I realize that I have it. And that I don't even deserve to complain--because I am a mother. I get to work with Landon and Heavenly Father to raise Jax every single day of my life. To me and for me there is nothing more sacred then motherhood.
So that brings me to the reason for this post.
FOURTH:
I want to first say that i'm not speaking for Landon. I'm not speaking as a student. I'm speaking as a student's wife. As soon as we knew that medical school was in our future so began the lovely conversations from people who wanted to tell us how hard it was going to be. I want to reiterate that I understand that everyone's situation is very different. I am not talking about everyones circumstances, I am only talking about mine.
I think that this was the very first time I actually believed people. I think I so desperately didn't want marriage, pregnancy, and motherhood to be hard that I determined that it wouldn't be. I think there are hard moments in each of those three things, but as a whole I just constantly feel blessed to be apart of it.
But frankly, when it came to medical school, I was flat out nervous. So nervous in fact that I went to the home of 5 different women who were once medical school wives and asked them how they did it. Oh what a difference that made. Sister Sampson and Bishop Sampson did medical school in mexico. They had 5 children, no phone, no internet, and no money for traveling. They didn't know Spanish and it wasn't very safe. How different mine and Lando's situation is now and how i'm sure if Sister Sampson saw this situation she would laugh, (probably not because she is the sweetest women), but she might want to laugh because of how easy we have it.
The Facts:
- Landon studies/has class about 12 hours a day
- He sleeps a solid 8 hours each night
- I'd say we get him about 2 hours a day
- The other hours go to getting ready, reading the scriptures, missionary work, BYU football callings, exercising, etc.
- He doesn't study on Sunday
- Landon is only gone from the house for about 5 hours each day, he loves to study from home and he can watch his classes online. So he has to go in for half of his classes and lab each day.
- We don't bother Landon ever... and I only say that because i'm proud of the fact that we honestly never go in his office. But when Landon needs a 10 minute break we feel lucky that he is home and can come down and chat, snack and then head back upstairs.
- We only have one car, but since he is only gone half the day then that has not been an issue at all.
- I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, I think Landon has changed 3 diapers since August, 90% of taking care of Jaxson, all the budgeting, all the paperwork, grocery shopping, etc. etc. I think its safe to say that if it does not have to do with Medical School Landon isn't apart of it.
- BUT Landon doesn't need to do any of those things, as long as he magnifies his callings both in church and at home being a father and a husband which he SO does.
So here is the truth about medical school for me. I get tired around 1:45pm every single day. I miss Landon, but not as much as I thought I would and that is because he is home more then I thought he would be. I was so worried about being lonely, but we are in a complex with about 15 other LDS families. Fourteen of which are in dental school. But there is one 4th year medical family. So I feel like I have a network. I sometimes get discouraged during the day because I don't want to do the laundry and I really don't want to mop. Finances are tight and I think that will be the one huge difference post medical school, but I know we still have more then most. Overall being in medical school has been so great. Better then I ever thought it would be. Less hard then I thought it would be too. But who knows, maybe that will change the longer we are here. Maybe not though.
I don't know why I wrote this post honestly. I think its because i've had these thoughts swirling around in my mind for a long time and I just needed to get them out there. I heard something about how 'people need to be more real' the other day and 'not always so happy and optimistic'. But my thought is why can't that be real? Why can't my real be happy and optimistic? Not perfect, but
pretty close. And not in a boastful way. I am just very aware of the fact that HONESTLY I have NOTHING to complain about. I don't even feel deserving of any one complaint. Ever. Again i'm not trying to be boastful, its just real for me. I hope this doesn't come off bad, or prideful, or arrogant. I'm not trying to be that either.
And if I may be so bold, I think my only real is happy and optimistic. I think I was given a gift to look at my situation and realize that I really do have it easier then 99% of the world. If I were to combine these things: Happy marriage, healthy happy baby, healthy body & mind, enough money for our needs, being an American, having A direction in life, and of course the truthfulness of the gospel, I guarantee i'm in the category of less then 1% of the world. I'm not perfect at always being happy, optimistic, hopeful, full of joy, but I am always trying because I believe that is what is real for me. Anyway that is going way to deeply into my thoughts :).
When I was the Student Body Secretary at BYUSA I had an opportunity to ask President and Sister Samuelson any questions that I wanted. I directed my questions to Sister Samuelson and I said this, "Sister Samuelson, how do you do it? How have you managed to be a wife and mother while your husband has gone through medical school while being a bishop, into being a doctor, into being a seventy into being the President of BYU. How have you managed?" Her words have never left me, "Every and any moment I started to get down or get frustrated or get tired, I would look at my husband who was sitting on the stand at church while I was wrestling my kids during sacrament meeting and I would think, 'Would I honestly pick another life?' The answer is no. I remind myself day in and day out that I have a loyal, loving, hard working husband. Beautiful children. A Healthy body. And a knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I realize that I'm just lucky." She then finished with, "I would rather have a husband who is serving God 110% and for that I don't see him, then the alternative." (And i'm sure you can picture the alternative...)
She is right. I would rather have a husband who is working his tail off 24/7 to provide for us. Who continues to try to be the husband and father he thinks we deserve and he thinks God wants him to be. Who continues to try and serve and magnify his calling, and tries so very hard to be perfect. Or course he isn't, but he is always striving and always trying to be what Christ wants him to be. So yes I would rather have that, and not see him as much then the alternative. And I can consider myself lucky because I am.
I honestly don't think life will ever be as calm as it is right now. I don't think Landon will ever be any less busy. In fact, I think that Landon will continue to get busier from here on out. I'm sorry for the long post. I guess I just wanted to let go of some of my thoughts and as sweet as Jax is, he doesn't understand me :). So if you made it this far, which i'm sure no one did, thanks for reading... and if you didn't make it this far then I don't blame you :)
Happy Tuesday
The End.
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