Real Life Hero

Landon: 

The other night we were in a conversation talking and I randomly said, "One last thing, every morning that I wake up at 6:30 or 7:00 I think of you and feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude and awe, because I know you had to wake up at least an hour earlier to get to work. Thank you so much babe, I see you. I know you're so tired. The boys do too and we even prayed for you this morning." Tears. Tears just started rolling down and his face and as he tried to compose himself he said, "Thank you. I really am so tired." I will never forget the moment. Ever. I wasn't even trying to be that intentional about the comment, but it was something I realized I had never told him so I just said it. Mornings have always been so hard for Lando and this ~5:30am wake up call, won't be ending any time soon either. Husbands. Fathers. They do such quiet simple acts of service all unseen most of the time. I know Landon continues to feel more and more responsible for things. For me, for for his growing children, his patients, for his parents and siblings and callings and more. And as positive as Landon is, sometimes life even gets him down. And it did today, as he lay under the blankets trying to hide from the world. But I look around this house and our marriage and watch him wrestle his 3 cute, loved, fed, happy, safe boys and I hear how talented he is as an anesthesiologist and what he means to those that know and love him and I think he is knockin it out of the park every day. Its easy to feel like all we do is tread water during this phase of life. And I think we can always be better. I think Lando can be better. But wouldn't it be such a special moment and motivation to have the ability, just for a second, to see how the people who love us most, really see us? We may very well all feel like real life superheroes. And if not all of us, Landon would ;). Because he is that for the four of us, every single day. 

In other news he is currently at a meeting to gather all the information he needs about going to Ghana in January for a humanitarian medical trip. I think this will be the start of something in Landon's career. He has always wanted to do medical trips and this is going to just fuel that fire in him. I went to Peru for a month on a humanitarian trip before I started college and it changed me. I can't wait to go to these things together, and take our kids too.

Becs: 

Lets see. I was able to minister to a few of my sisters. I took a bunch of food from different restaurants to Jaxson's class. Mali. Sweden. Bangladesh. Nepal. Uruguay. Taste around the world. The kids LOVED it an restaurants have been sooooo generous. And thank you Anna for saving the day and watching Luke cause our babysitter had a funeral. It was a lot of work and I felt very overwhelmed and then Landon called me at 1:30 and asked if he should try to make it. He's never gotten off that early. It was my biggest tender mercy of the week and I'm so grateful for it. He was able to come help me dish out the food to all the kids. I'm still loving my Come Follow Me Chats. They've have changed our days. I've been really motivated to get back into a good eating habit. Reading lots of cookbooks and blogs. I spend too much time on my phone. Too much. This week I got a notification that I had spent an average of 7.5 hours a day on my phone and I dropped to the ground. WHAT??? How could this be? I found out through investigation that the Roku Channel App had been left open multiple nights straight, adding 8-9 hours of time to my average, each night. That made me feel a little better, definitely not 7.5, but not where I would like to see it at either. I don't even have social media, but I find a way to use my phone. I was able to go on a run finally after my plate meet toe incident. It felt good. I had a blast with Lando's siblings on Saturday night. Our car was broken into on Monday night. My favorite sunglasses, Landon's reading glasses, our phone/radio adapter, and our hand sanitizer were stolen. Jax left the door unlocked after grabbing something. We didn't tell him that. Its not his fault at all. We should have double checked and people should stop being such dip wads. It really broke me for a minute, feeling like I was such a dummy and failure. Its not like this is our first rodeo.... #stolenlexus #stolenbike #brokenwindow #stolenregistration #stolenothersunglasses #stupidpeople. Yes, those are all separate occasions. And writing it out makes me feel even worse about it all. AND we normally don't even leave things in the car. But life happens. And routines and rhythms fall apart sometimes and when they do.... well.... someone is always there to steal something and remind us that we don't have it all together. Ever. I loved date night. I loved taking the boys to the BYU women's soccer game. I loved seeing Levi again. I love the people in my life that boost me when i'm feeling down. You just know who you are. 

Jax: 

He is obsessed with sports. He struggles communicating his feelings. He is obedient. He is passionate. He is competitive. He is happy. He strives to be better. He loves to learn. He practices. He is helpful and kind. He is blissfully unaware. He is good to his core. He has Lando's personality. He was really upset after school on Tuesday and I could tell because of the way he was treating Ty, just sort tempered and harsh. I had him come sit down with me on the kitchen floor. 

"What's going on bud" 

"Nothing" 

"How is school going" 

"Good" 

"Are you sure nothing it wrong" 

"Yes" 

"I noticed you moved tables this week, how are you liking that?" 

TEEEAAAARRRRSS

I realize now after writing that, my first three questions were not open ended. That was my bad. In that moment I realized what a blessing it has been to go an teach in Jaxson's class because it allows me to understand his world more. Also i'm going to try to teach Jax how to understand his feelings, see his feelings and express them. It was a special moment and we talked about what was bothering him and the boundaries he needed to put into place. Gosh. He's in this now. I'm in this now. "Its gonna be a bumpy ride" (Harry Potter quote, aren't you proud babe). No it is going to be great. I'm excited. Its just a different part of my mothering that I have yet to tap in to really. And like always, Jax is the guinea pig. Poor Jax haha! 

Ty: 

He is full of emotions. He is tender. He is so aware of others. He is sensitive. He is artistic. He is independent and challenges his reality. He has big emotions, good and bad. He communicates all his feelings, always. He is sweet and observant. He is stubborn. He is loud. He worries. He knows good. He questions. He has my personality in every way. Ty's weeks in quotes: 

Convo #1

Me: Jax and Ty would you rather have a snake in your bed or a big spider in your bed

Jax: Oh no no no no no. I can't answer that. no no no. 

Me: You have to pick 

Ty: Neither. I'd rather just have a puppy with its nails clipped off 

Convo #2

Ty: Mom how did taste testing go at Yaxson Skool

Me: It was good bud

Ty: Where is the food from 

Me: Sweden, Mali, Urugauy, Napal

Ty: PAL?? How? How'd you get food from Pal? 

Me: Just a restaurant in downtown SLC

Ty: But, was it closed? 

Me: No? Its open. 

Ty: But Pal by Jesus? 

Me: Huh? Well, I guess Nepal is by where Jesus use to live.... Its far away though but there is just a restaurant here from Nepal 

Ty: Pal, Here? 

Me: Yes 

...... I felt like I had finally got Ty to understand when all of a sudden 

Jax: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH. You thought mom was talking about PAUL!!!! Like the apostle. 

Ty: YEaH! Jesus's best friend Paul is here in Salt Lake? I thought he died? 

We then spent the next 5 minutes laughing and having the correct conversation on the same page. 

Convo #3

Out of the blue, on our way home from the library 

"Mom this is kind of a weird thing but a really happy thing. If someone dies in our family, we will still be with them in Heaven. We will be with all our family together." 

Convo #4

NOTE: There is this crossing guard by our house that I think believes he has more power than God. And he holds up his hands and stiff arms on you and starts shaking it until he slowly walks his way back to the side walk. And if you move.... he gives you a death stare. and waves that hand, which the unbent elbow at you. So Jax and I were kind of making fun of him. Which, not cool I know. I'll repent. Jax started to get a little out of control with it and kept mocking him and suddenly Ty just belted: 

Ty: STOOOOP. STop! StOOOOP! STOP!!! Thats not what it is like. That is not what he is doing. Stop it! He is just waving at us. Thats all! STOP! 

And it was in that moment, when Ty came to the defense of a complete stranger, that deep down I knew, Ty is my child. 

Convo #5

Luke: Ty Ty Ty 

Me: Ty ty, Luke is saying your name 

Ty: No he is saying die! 

Me: NO! Luke doesn't know the word die, but he knows your name Ty, he was saying Ty. 

Ty: Yeah! Okay. But noe everybody knows my name. But Jesus knows my name. Jesus knows everybodys name. I want to be with Jesus in Heaven." 

Me: [Heart bursting] Me too bud, me too. 

Luke: 

Welp this has gotten long. Luke had both his brothers crying during wrestling tonight which made Landon and I bust up laughing. They were on top of Landon and Luke came up and just grabbed their hair as hard as he could. Sweet brothers didn't wack him back, but it won't be like that forever. Soooo watch your steps Luke. He hugs all of us all of the time. He loves to cuddle and kiss. He loves to do what his brothers are doing. He throws those fits. I put him to bed tonight without dinner because he wouldn't eat what we are having. He is a funny food dude. Sometimes he will eat a mouthful of sour cream and other times he won't eat perfectly delicious spaghetti. He is happiest when he is outside. He loves walking down the stairs to the car. He understands so many commands, "throw this way" or "go get a diaper" or "sit down" or "give kisses". Life just becomes so fun when communication happens. But three man. Three little boys in this apartment may do me in. We have out grown it. We would move yesterday if it wasn't for our future. We've made it this far, 6 full months and then I think we will spend a lot of our summer at my parents and cousins before we move. So I'm just not going to count June or July. Cause really 6 just seems like an easier number to swallow than 8. Three kids didn't hit me at first, but it hits me every day now. Life just isn't going to slow down ever. And i'm slowly accepting that. Which is probably why 4 often doesn't feel as hard as 3, because you are already in the thick of it. 

Thats enough. I blame Landon for still being gone. I had no incentive to be finished. And doing the dishes just kept me writing. Oh a dishwasher. What would that be like??? 

Ty chooses his lunches and he just picks the best things! 

Ty tooks this pictures and I love it so much. Motherhood right here. Coloring a picture with Ty while Luke reads a book on my butt. 

He dressed himself and walked out just like this. It was fantastic!!!! 

A Wolfpack Weekend & Motherhood

Lando: 

The highlight of his week was for sure his weekend in Arizona with his parents and siblings. Landon's description of his weekend is at the bottom, after this weeks photos but before his weekend photos and a video of the surprise. His parents are moving from the home he grew up in and they all went down to have a few days together. It made me so happy honestly. Family changes. You are an untouchable unit and then suddenly the unit splits up into multiple units. And thats the divine design. But my heart aches just thinking about that now, in no time my boys will be married and have their own family. And while i'm sure that will bring me a tremendous amount of joy, I am also sure I will miss the untouchable unit. SO seriosusly, I smiled all weekend knowing that Mama & Papa Woolf had their 4 kiddos for a few days. I love all of Landons siblings and parents so much!!!! 

Becs: 

My highlights were, making healthy food at the beginning of the week and ended in unhealthy food at the end. Going and talking some New Testament with Angelina, Brealynn, Zach and Audrey. Teaching Jaxson's class geography. Taking Jax & Ty to the football game. Getting secret santa'd! (Someone was so kind and gifted our boys clothes, and also, they are on top of things!). Reading a good book while Landon's been gone. Seeing Levi at home!!! And taking Jax to the Face-to-Face with Elder Gong. We got to sit on the front row! I was missing Spain a lot this week, but this weekend ended up being so fun and lifted my spirits. 

Monday night I had this overwhelming realization (don't say duh!) that i'm in this motherhood thing. It takes everything I have. And its just going to get thicker and thicker. Jax had a doctors appointment on Monday, but when I picked him up he was crying because some older kids bullied him and his friends and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered and I completely forgot about the appointment. I've spent a few years now being slightly upset with the culture I was raised in. I was never really told I could be anything other than a mother. In fact for a good majority of my life, motherhood was the only option OR if you picked to work outside the home, I would somehow be viewed as less of a mother and a less righteous women. I of course DO NOT believe that false tradition anymore. Women should be what ever they want or feel is best for them and their people. And NO ONE ELSE gets to decide that for them. But as my own motherhood got harder and landon's work got busier, I was caught up in the minute to minute of motherhood, all alone, and I began to mourn and be angry with the "what ifs". What if I was raised a little differently, or in a church whose traditions were a little different, what if I was told I could be both a great mother and a great marriage and family therapist at the same time, what if the missionary age was 19 when I was 19 (I still mourn this one)........what if.  There was a time there were I honestly started to resent motherhood and feel like I was forced into this role and I really had no other choice because of culture and pressure. Over the last two years, Ive applied and been accepted to graduate school, I've become a Certified KonMari consultant, I volunteer at a Women's Domestic Crisis Hotline, I've tried writing my book on and off, etc. etc. Trying to figure out if I can choose a different path now, trying to see if that is even what I want. With each choice it seems that I naturally am drawn back to motherhood. I started graduate school and then I decided it wasn't the right time, I need to focus on the boys. I became a consultant and was put on the KonMari website and instantly I looked at my account and the potential I have to make this into a flourishing business and then I realized, but what about the things I'll miss with the boys. I still like to volunteer and I still want to find a time to write my book. But it seems that any time I try to recreate my roles and jobs, I always turn back to stay at home mom. 

When Jax got into the van after school in tears because the big kids took his football and made sure not to let the 2nd graders get it, nothing else mattered. I realized in that moment, that I don't want to be anything else or anywhere else day in and day out than mom. After a lot of soul searching and pondering and questioning and crying and venting and struggling I've come to the conclusion that I still have the choice to be anything I want to be, there are a lot of good options, and I believe all of them would be the right option if I choose them. I think a large majority of these decisions come down to desire. And I desire to be a stay home with my boys full time. I want to pick them up and drop them off, do dishes, clean up over and over and over, read and teach about Jesus, cuddle when they're hurt or sad, play and laugh and cry and yell sometimes etc. etc. I want to be there for all of it. I only get my untouchable unit for a short amount of time, and while I have them, I want to be ALL IN. Motherhood takes every minute of my time and energy it feels, but I'm feeling super happy because I feel like I can say now more than I ever before that I CHOOSE this life. Its what I want. I want to be a stay at home mother/homemake. And there is happiness and gratitude that comes with that. Suddenly when I realize this was my pick, things feel different. And I feel even more grateful for what Landon does because he makes my choice possible. PHEW! I didn't even know I was going to go there tonight. But there it is. My last 2-3 years in summary. 

Jax: 

So yeah, tears on Monday because of the big kids. Man, he is in such a different place than Ty or Luke. I hope I can stay close enough to the spirit to help him. He really struggles talking about emotions. Life is logical to him. I hope I can work on that more. He loved the BYU game of course. And he thought it was cool to meet an Apostle. He left the face-to-face with the goal to get a better score on his math test next time. I think this year is significantly harder and he's a little behind. Most of these kids have been in the advanced program for two years now. He has not and he's missed a lot. I'm proud of him for coming up with that all on his own! 

Ty: 

Boy this kid is a different Human. Thats not true, we've always know the goodness of Ty. But his ability to communicate becomes better and better and his ability to control emotion because stronger that suddenly he is a joy to be around always. He fell on Tuesday and had a big huge lip. I was teaching Jaxsons class and the school couldn't get ahold of me and Lando was... well... unavailable #surgery so I guess he laid in the nurses room for an hour with the teacher bleeding and crying for his mom and dad. I felt so bad. He was tough though and we got him popsicles. He helped me move my parents this week. My dad retired officially and though they haven't been living up here for quite some time, they needed to move their stuff back down. That was sad. I'll probably never live by my mom again. And we didn't even end up seeing each other all that much when she was up here. Which was lame. 

Luke: 

He was so much more himself this week. I think Luke is crankiest when he is hungry, but he could always eat. So I'm not sure how to deal with that. I've never had a kid like that. But he just wanted to hug and kiss everyone all the time. He is running more and playing more and talking more every day. I love his cuddles and how he wants to sit in my lap always. I feel bad sometimes that I don't give him enough attention but then I realize that he has Ty and Jax too. And Ty is the SWEETEST to him. Its so adorable! 

Welp thats that! Life is good. I miss Spain during my bad moments, but I love my good ones! 

We tried to find someones wedding ring. To no avail. 

@comefollowmechats

THE ORIGINAL WOLFPACK WEEKEND

Friday:

Lace and I flew in and Leah picked us up. We met up with Logan and made it to mom and dad’s at about 11:45 pm.

We all lined up next to mom’s bed and woke her up with whispers of “mom, I’m thirsty,” and “I had a bad a dream,” and “I have to pee,” etc.

She was equal parts surprised and confused as All get out. 

That night we stayed up till almost 3 playing games, watching Napoleon Dynamite, jamming out to classic hits from the mid 2000’s while driving to Jack in the Box, and ended the night like teenagers by toilet papering a friends house.

Saturday we got up, Logan and I went for a run,

And we all went to breakfast. We then spent the rest of the morning decorating the Christmas tree just like we always did. After getting ice cream (chocolate malted crunch from Water ‘n Ice) we then took a drive in the old pickup to see mom and dad’s new home and neighborhood and went to dinner at Tia Rosa’s. A Woolf classic. We got dessert at another classic, Bahama Bucks, and spent the rest of the night staying up watching High School Musical and playing games. This highlight of this day for me was the four of us siblings driving home from Bahama Bucks together. We had a great talk that was vulnerable and real.

Sunday we walked to church, sat near our old pew, caught up wit some ward friends, recreated some family photos, then made dinner (roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green jello, with Lacey’s homemade Oreo cookies for dessert) while all sitting in the same seating arrangement we always did. Grumps visited and it was great catching up with him. 

After dinner we sent mom and dad on a scavenger hunt. This was a tradition they did for us every Christmas. It was fun flipping the script on them and our way of saying “thank you” for all the years of love and constant support they gave us in our home. The gift was a picture frame with a photo of the six of us I front of the house that we will always claim as ours. 

I am currently sitting in the airport with Lacey to head back to Utah and am having a difficult time interpreting my emotions. I feel sad, certainly. I will miss our home. It’s interesting how a home can become another member of the family. It has its own character and personality. We loved talking about not only the memories we made in it, but also its peculiarities. Such as which steps creaked and how to avoid them when climbing the stairs late at night. It sounds cliche, but selling our home is an end of an era.

I am also feeling some regret. Becca will tel you this is a flaw of mine as I often hold my old self to my current standards, something that is impossible as we all grow up along with our capacity. That said, I wasn’t always the person I wanted to be while I lived in that home. I found myself wishing I were and had been better. 

I certainly feel grateful. I am fortunate and blessed to have been born into a family with parents that could fill a home with unconditional love. I am where I am today because of that opportunity. I don’t take that for granted.

Weekends like this also make me miss my family. This was the first time just the six of us had been together since before I proposed to Becs. Since that time my training had taken me states away. I miss them more after spending such quality time with them. 

So, sadness, gratitude, some regret, nostalgia, loss, and joy. 

It was a perfect weekend.